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being a bitch is great.
mom:
only the good die young.
me:
yeah, us bitches out-last everyone else.
mom:
we're gonna be around for a long time.
me:
good thing we get along.
I’m gonna get personal for a bit. You, by no means, have to read this. Its long.

I just watched Hello Baby, and when it ended, well, I realized I had come to a few conclusions. 

After discussing something with my mom a little while ago, I felt really crappy about my life. Not all of it is bad, nothing extreme, nothing like that. I have a really good life, full of wonderful people and incredible potential. We just had a conversation that touched on relationships within our family, and I realized how much I despise my father. I love him, don’t get me wrong- he’s put a roof over my head, fed me, clothed me, etc. for nearly 20 years, he isn’t a bad person, he’s not a deadbeat or a cheater, he simply isn’t someone I like. He has his days where he can be tolerable, even chummy- but they are too few and far between that growing up, I always forgot they ever even happened. He works a hard, tiring job and he was never really around when I was little. When he was home, he was sleeping or relaxing alone. I was, and still am, constantly with my mother. Whenever they fought, I wouldn’t take a side- I would just ignore the problems, and then, occasionally I would think of who I agreed with. Sometimes it was mom. Others, dad. And some, neither. Within the last year though, I’ve noticed that each and every word out of his mouth disgusts me. Everything feels fake. I don’t doubt that he loves us all, but I feel like he is trying to make up for everything he has missed out on. I’ve got younger sisters, and he has given up every chance he ever had to be a bigger part of their lives. It was always disciplinary whenever he interracted with them, and now its that “putting on a show” kind of feeling. Of course, they’re little, so they don’t see through it yet. 

I feel sick when I think about it. How can someone do that? To their kids?

Now, I don’t even talk to him. I don’t say hello. I don’t tell him when I’m leaving. With my pending application to study abroad next fall, he has suddenly tried to get to know me. He even went so far as getting into BIGBANG last winter for crying out loud. I don’t mind it, I’m happy to talk about things I like with anyone to be honest, but his reasons upset me. Its all to make up for what he’s missed out on, and I know its because the one thing he DOES know about me is that when I leave, I won’t be coming back, especially not to see him. I can’t just “get over” what isn’t even there. There are no memories to look back on, no hurt feelings to forget. Theres just nothing.

Anyways, one of my conclusions as to why I adore the Hello Baby show with MBLAQ is the honesty. That first promo picture of Lauren and Seungho did more for me than make me giddy, seeing how cute they were. It made me happy, and sad, to see that that kind of adoration exists. And its something I have never really known. Its something I want to give my kids. Its something I hate that my sisters don’t receive. My love of seeing men interact with kids honestly is something that has always been a weakness of mine, and that is exactly why, I just never realized the connection. MBLAQ, already being abruptly honest, can’t hold back what they do around the kids. Their reactions aren’t acted. As someone who knows artificial adoration all too well, I know it when I see it. Nothing about that show was fake, especially not Seungho. I know that sounds biased and all, but, Thunder and G.O weren’t faking their actions either. Its just clear that Seungho has a natural love of children, even if he isn’t around them often. He has a charm that comes out around Lauren, one that never, EVER shows up elsewhere. 

Seeing him so freely playing with her, picking her up and sharing their lunch, saying how cute she was and their sweet conversation… it all made me actually tear up. Here this guy is, a 20-something pop star, playing with a little girl he just met and clearly already can’t get enough of. He isn’t pretending to like her. He isn’t pretending to know her. He simply wants to take care of her and protect her. Its stupid and lame, but I have to admit that a guy who is good with kids without trying is seriously what would make me happiest. Forget the singing, the piano playing, the knitting, the dancing, the EVERYTHING, Seungho could have no talents, look nothing like he does, be a random man on the street- if he was still that good with kids, I would want to raise a family with him. That goes for everyone like that, not just him. When I’m at the store and I see a dad and his little kid browsing the card aisle, or checking out their groceries, this immense sense of longing explodes inside of me. Not for myself, but for my future.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but quite honestly, I never want to get married. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “What if Seungho shows up on your doorstep?!” And you know what, there’s the chance that I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes, let alone pop the question within that instant. But, theres also the chance that when he does show up, we have nothing in common and I can’t be with him (which would totally suck, so I’m banking on the first option). I don’t see that happening anytime soon though… Honestly speaking, growing up I always thought about my future- my perfect man, my kids, the big house, everything, except the whole “fantasy wedding” part. I’ve never been able to see it, and I still don’t. This isn’t something I really care for. I love the idea of marriage: being with one person who knows you like they know themself, being so in love that no one can ever compare and locking your hearts together forever through a sacred bond. Thats great and all, but after growing up and realizing that marriage is a lot like prison, where everything seems to lose its color and you get stuck, its just not for me. You can argue all you want, but from experience, this is all I can understand about it. There is no upside. I can have a family (with Seungho, haha) and raise kids, and live together loving someone with my entire being without being married. I know I can. People do it all the time. Marriage causes more problems than it fixes and I for one, hate being forced to do something against my will. I’ve seen my mom cry a thousand times because she feels trapped- all because she is so old-fashioned and refuses to make a broken home for my sisters. I, of course, would rather have her be happy- I think my sisters would eventually come to understand. There is always that moral debate, when children are part of the situation, and I would rather have the ability to leave my significant other if things ever effected my relationship with my kids. I have that instinctive maternal feeling that screams at a woman that the kids always come first, its just that my instincts sound different than my mom’s.

Anyways, back to Seungho.

I explained all of this to my mom the other day (before breaking into tears about something ridiculous as well as fearing a life without her), but it was a great conversation so I might as well share it. Seungho, oh God, where did I even begin? We had been talking about marriage and such, and she brought up Vin Diesel, YES, that Vin Diesel. You see, he is my mom’s Seungho. Yep, he is indeed. She said, “If he rolled up on a minibike, I would hop on and be gone in a blink of an eye”. I swear, she really did. So then, I, in turn, told her that there was only one man I could think of that I would just up and leave everything for- him. When asked why? I said that if I were to run a tab on everything I ever dreamed of having in a boyfriend/significant other/partner/”husband”, he would be the epitome of it all. She laughed, but as I explained what it was that made me say so, she smiled at me and she understood. She knew exactly what I meant. He is smart, funny, quirky, charming, respectful, talented, interesting, endearing… you all know I could go on forever. The thing that got my mom though, was when I told her he wasn’t even my type. And he isn’t. Not at all. When I first got into MBLAQ, I had the hots for Joon. Bad. I thought Seungho was the least attractive of them all. I still think Joon is hotter on a strictly physical basis. Its just a dirty little secret that Seungho doesn’t have to know. But does Joon fill in all the blanks I had growing up? No. Does Joon make my heart skip when he smiles crookedly? No. Does Joon have the same effect on me from across the world? No, and he never has. No one has.

In short, Seungho is, yes, SADLY, an idol who has no idea I exist, just like the hundreds of thousands of other fans he has. He is a million miles away and so unattainable it hurts to look at him sometimes. But, the one thing my mom said after showing her a picture of him and Lauren, was that above all else, he should give me hope. “If he exists, then there is someone out there that you will love ten times more.” And I know she is right, the problem is finding him. 

TL;DR? My dad is a jerk and I can’t wait to move away, even though as soon as I leave, I will feel as guilty as anyone can ever feel for leaving my mom without someone to comfort her, to listen to her ranting, to erase her worries. Hello Baby is not good for my health- I teared up during the first episode because of my “have-kids-with-someone-that-actually-likes-kids” complex. Seungho is perfect and flawed, still perfect though, but we all know that already. I don’t want to get married and feel trapped for the rest of my life. Joon is just not my type either. There is someone as perfect as Seungho out there for me, I just have to find him. My mom is the most wonderful person I will ever know, and if it wasn’t for her, I would have no goals, no passion, and no future.

LOL

jchoi92 reblogged your chat: My mom called me a stalker.

OF COURSE SHE CALLED YOU A STALKER lmao DID YOU READ WHAT YOU JUST SAID? I’m in the kpop loop

She said he looks like a girl when I showed her a picture of him when he still had hair, but “aww”ed when I showed her him with the Hello Baby girl lol. I was like, “Mom, he’s not even like, facially my type. or anything. i still don’t even think he is the best looking in his group.” and she said, “thats how things work. i always dated my boyfriend’s friends because they were hotter, but i loved him.”